The thunder rolls overhead and I snuggle deeper under my blanket. Strong winds from the coming storm blow through my window and gently sway my hammock, making me shiver… winter time in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Peru…75ยบ and I am freezing. Turning over I reach for paper and a pen sitting beside my eight foot perch. As I do, Monk grasps my finger in attempt to stop my movement with a pleading chirp to continue our nap. My mind however is to busy to sleep. Thoughts of my life here in Peru and those of the life I've put on hold for this short period of time, clamor and collide, battling for dominance. Letter after letter I've written this chilly Sabbath day, each adding to the pile of memories billowing in the deep of my soul. Memories of weekends at Southern, good times at Highland, and the warmth and comfort of home recall to my mind the loved ones so close to my heart but in a world out of reach. I left my heart in the United States, but small pieces of it have made the journey here, where forever they'll stay. I'm in love with two countries; my life has two names.
Finding a place to belong should not be this difficult. Although many who desire to belong come from feeling like they have no place to call their own, my desire is different… I feel like I belong in two worlds and haven't a clue which to choose. I know that when May comes I'll return to the U.S. where I'll finish my education and hopefully go on to med school. Going back will be great, for I miss my loved ones dearly, but who will I be when I return? How will this year have changed me, or will I let it at all? To come back unchanged is wrong and nearly impossible, but to return and not live the life I'd planned on living, the life I was comfortable with and had a mindset for, seems impossible as well. Both options before me are seemingly impossible, so where does that leave me? I suppose it brings me back to the question that has been brought to mind so many times the last few months… who am I? Am I the sometimes shy country girl with a southern twang from the sticks of Tennessee, or the "gringa" who walks around Pucallpa speaking Castillano to the locals with a somewhat decent accent? Is my name Senorita Tara, the English teacher of Peruvian children with rotten teeth and dirty clothes? Am I the timid but eager pre-med student who feels nauseous every time I give a shot in clinic, wanting to learn, but afraid to try? Do I live like my five soles per pitcher of limonada is a splurge? Or, am I the university student who buys a three dollar cup of coffe to stay awake while studying… even though this same amount more than pays for my daily food needs here? Is my mode of transportation my own two feet, and the occasional motokar, or is it my own little Ford Escape?
People often ask me if I miss the comforts of home, but what exactly are the comforts of home? There is nothing to give up, merely habits to change. Peru now holds for me the comforts of home. The light of the candles reflecting off the tin roof, Lola's welcome home bark after a night of teaching in Campo, the distinct clouds and blue sky nearly every afternoon on my walk into town, all give me a smiley sorta feeling… the feeling of this is where I belong. There is no lacking of warm water or electricity, but now more so a "wow, they have that there?" response when these so called "modern conveniences" are around.
I honestly don't know where I am going with this thought, for every time I try to complete it I am left with a blank mind and hanging words… thus making this blog I began 2 months ago still unfinished. What is the answer to these unending questions of my heart? Is there an answer at all, or should I just continue riding the waves of life, simply being content to know where I belong and what I should do for this moment? Maybe answers aren't necessary and willingness is all one needs. Right now, I just know that even though my life in this moment is full of confusion, it is also full of happiness and contentment. In this moment I am a deeply rooted country girl who decided to become Peruvian for awhile, and in doing so found fullness of heart and a love for two worlds.
Finding a place to belong should not be this difficult. Although many who desire to belong come from feeling like they have no place to call their own, my desire is different… I feel like I belong in two worlds and haven't a clue which to choose. I know that when May comes I'll return to the U.S. where I'll finish my education and hopefully go on to med school. Going back will be great, for I miss my loved ones dearly, but who will I be when I return? How will this year have changed me, or will I let it at all? To come back unchanged is wrong and nearly impossible, but to return and not live the life I'd planned on living, the life I was comfortable with and had a mindset for, seems impossible as well. Both options before me are seemingly impossible, so where does that leave me? I suppose it brings me back to the question that has been brought to mind so many times the last few months… who am I? Am I the sometimes shy country girl with a southern twang from the sticks of Tennessee, or the "gringa" who walks around Pucallpa speaking Castillano to the locals with a somewhat decent accent? Is my name Senorita Tara, the English teacher of Peruvian children with rotten teeth and dirty clothes? Am I the timid but eager pre-med student who feels nauseous every time I give a shot in clinic, wanting to learn, but afraid to try? Do I live like my five soles per pitcher of limonada is a splurge? Or, am I the university student who buys a three dollar cup of coffe to stay awake while studying… even though this same amount more than pays for my daily food needs here? Is my mode of transportation my own two feet, and the occasional motokar, or is it my own little Ford Escape?
People often ask me if I miss the comforts of home, but what exactly are the comforts of home? There is nothing to give up, merely habits to change. Peru now holds for me the comforts of home. The light of the candles reflecting off the tin roof, Lola's welcome home bark after a night of teaching in Campo, the distinct clouds and blue sky nearly every afternoon on my walk into town, all give me a smiley sorta feeling… the feeling of this is where I belong. There is no lacking of warm water or electricity, but now more so a "wow, they have that there?" response when these so called "modern conveniences" are around.
I honestly don't know where I am going with this thought, for every time I try to complete it I am left with a blank mind and hanging words… thus making this blog I began 2 months ago still unfinished. What is the answer to these unending questions of my heart? Is there an answer at all, or should I just continue riding the waves of life, simply being content to know where I belong and what I should do for this moment? Maybe answers aren't necessary and willingness is all one needs. Right now, I just know that even though my life in this moment is full of confusion, it is also full of happiness and contentment. In this moment I am a deeply rooted country girl who decided to become Peruvian for awhile, and in doing so found fullness of heart and a love for two worlds.
2 comments:
Returning to the States is a much harder transition than going to Peru - your worldview changes and there are precious few people who can comprehend the new angle from which you view life. It still makes me sick to see the amount of offering money that sits and stagnates here in Berrien Springs.. but that is a different soap box. I have gotten better about it.. but I still often talk about the exchange rate between soles and dollars, and it never makes me feel happier about my spending.
hi tara,
it's really special to read your blog... it comes close in many ways to describing how I felt when I was there in 06-07.
I don't know you. However I have lived where you have, which I suppose must serve as second-best until I actually have the pleasure of making your aquaintance :)
Best wishes,
Dios te Bendiga,
John Howe
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